Homeschool assessment testing isn’t required in every state. So why do some of us choose to send our kids into the trenches of standardized testing? Armed with only a no. 2 pencil and mom’s hopes for an “at or above grade level” performance, we willingly inflict peer comparison upon our children selves.
Why? Mom needs feedback.
As a homeschool family we share in the academic accountability of our kids. Just ask the mom who’s already switched her kid’s math curriculum 3 times this year only to circle back around to her tried-and-true favorite with newfound affection.
That would be me.
Self-Inflicted Torture
Choosing to participate in homeschool assessment testing, is as much an examination of mom as it is the kids (if not more). In the homeschool setting, the pressure is off the school system and its teachers to meet percentages and earn bonuses, and is set squarely on mom, who won’t get paid regardless and (bonus!) will take all the blame for failure.
Fun! Sign me up!
I am the kind of homeschool mom who makes her kids take standardized tests even though it is not required in our state. I’m type A, which today stands for “Anxiously Alarmed over All Academic Aptitude.” I just need to know. Know what I mean? (Sprinkle all understanding and outrage in the comments below.)
Every second or third year we test. And I have always administered the test myself at home.
Until this year.
I decided we should join in on the group torture testing facilitated by our not a co-op homeschool group. (Read about our co-op experience here.) And then I could have two days of uninterrupted hands-free worry over their performance, while sipping coffee at an undisclosed location a few miles away.
Tales from a Homeschool Testing Facility
Fast forward to the last day of the homeschool assessment testing. Just 15 minutes before the last bubble is to be filled-in (hopefully neatly and completely) and all pencils must be placed on the table, all testing booklets closed. Tray tables in the upright position.
You get the idea.
I slither through the glass doors into the host church’s lobby, careful not to let it slam or shatter into a million pieces behind me (as I suddenly envision). I could get Swiss cheesed by the extra no. 2 pencils hidden within the handbags of the other moms, who are now staring me down as I try to blend into an Awana bulletin board.
Always the people watcher, I feel I have just walked into the twilight zone.
The homeschool episode.
I am in a room of 20-plus homeschool moms (and counting), and the silence is deafening. No one is rattling off about their list of extracurriculars, comparing writing programs, or arguing over gluten-free snacks. By the way, Even Homeschool Moms Form Cliches.
Nope. Silence.
I am almost certain science says this isn’t possible, but here we are…
Some moms are trying to look preoccupied or bored playing around on their muted phones. But who are we kidding? We’re all a nervous wreck waiting on our offspring to finish up two days of testing. No one wants to break the sound barrier and risk throwing off their child’s mojo back in the testing areas.
Because this isn’t about the kids! We’re putting our money where our mouth is on our belief that we can teach our kids better than the school system.
This Isn’t About the Kids!
Oh no, this is about us moms who are actively chewing our un-manicured nails to the quick. We’ve brought our children here to test our ability to homeschool effectively. And yes, to find out where we need to focus more effort for each child.
But mostly we are here to determine if we’ve ruined them forever.
A little dramatic, but mostly totally accurate. You can see it on the creased faces anxiously checking the time on their phones and Fitbits.
Other moms pace near the doors wishing they hadn’t left their phones in the car in an effort to look like they aren’t always on their phones. Most of these are barely resisting the urge to go back for it. To be numbed by a scroll on Facebook or a game of Amazon Prime.
Another mom slips through the glass doors as quickly and quietly as possible, cushioning the door as it swings shut to prevent the slightest thud. All eyes are on her in a second, like when I entered a second ago. Panic sweeps across her face as she scans the room, and I grin and nod trying to let her know no one will arrest her for breathing audibly.
At least I don’t think so… suddenly I need to clear my throat.
Still other moms are sitting stone-still clutching their purses, basically petrified to the lobby chairs on which they perch but don’t rest.
And then there are those overachievers lovingly clutching takeout food bags. They waft waffle fry goodness around the room. Homeschooling will make you fat. I can almost read the minds of the others whose eyes alight on the iconic chick-fil-a sacks. Most of their faces say, “Gosh, why didn’t I think of that? I hope little Peter isn’t disappointed!”
But a few narrowly hide their eye roll and I imagine something like, “Ugh. You win, Donna Reed. Show off! Why not bust it open and let’s stress eat those nuggets together?” These are my people.
Truthfully, I left my kids’ deep-fried display of affection in the car, like the chill mom that I am.
We’re all awaiting the moment the clock strikes “times up.” And then we can spend the next two weeks in distracted anticipation of the results.
Mom’s Test Prep Nag-a-thon!
After 2 days of homeschool assessment testing I am exhausted…. Well, from getting up before the sun and driving my boys here. And of course, from worrying what kind of fool they might make of me on the bubble sheet.
Did I remind them to fill in each bubble completely, careful not to get outside the lines? Yes, 7 times yesterday and 4 this morning. And I also I mentioned the following ad nauseum…
- Don’t skip any problems so you don’t get off on the numbering.
- Finish the section then go back to the harder questions.
- Please Excuse My Dear Aunt Sally.
- Don’t forget to eat a good breakfast.
- Yes, we had to get up this early. It’s a timed test. We don’t get to pick the time.
- Hey diddle diddle the median is in the middle…
- Drop the pop tart, this calls for eggs, and here have one of my One-a-Days.
- Do you have 3 sharpened no. 2 pencils?
- Just breathe, okay. Right, I should too.
- Here, take another pencil just in case.
- This is just to let mom know how I’m doing homeschooling you.
- Don’t stress.
- Don’t make me look bad.
- There is no failure.
- But please do your best.
- Yes, there are wrong answers.
- If you answer all “Cs” just for fun, I’ll find out and we will repeat the ___ grade.
- I Love you.
- Only go to the bathroom at the breaks or you won’t finish.
- You don’t have to finish every question in time.
- What do you want from Chick-fil-a when I pick you up?
- But do try to finish all the problems.
- Okay go be awesome.
- Like Tesla or Einstein awesome.
- Love you.
They Emerge
The first to emerge from a test room is none other than my Lil D, practically skipping like he just left the playground. Dude, don’t look so chill. There are three still very sharpened no. 2 pencils clutched in one hand and an origami sailor’s hat upon his head.
Not going to lie, his playful good cheer was disturbing me a lot little.
“How do you like my hat?” he asks excitedly.
“Um, you know that paper was for you to work math problems on, right?” I snark knowing it’s too late now. Several moms hear me and laugh with nervous pity, hoping their little darling doesn’t come out next with a precisely folded swan.
“Ya, I know. I didn’t need it.” He states. Oh, that’s reassuring, I sigh. Oh Lord.
“Let’s go. I’m starving! How come you didn’t get us Chick-fil-a like she did?” He points to the goody-goody still bug-eyed waiting on her offspring to come swaggering out with college potential.
“Shh. It’s in the car,” I whisper. “Don’t blow my cool mom cover. And we have to wait on your brothers.”
Then there they are. Emerging from the iron maiden older kids’ testing room and looking like someone just ran over our dog, backed up and then ate him with Chick-fil-a sauce.
“Well I failed that last section,” said Eeyore D1.Ever the pessimistic perfectionist, this does not alarm me half as much as the scratch paper boat hat still upon his younger brother’s head.
My last child simply walks past me and out the glass doors hurrying to the sunshine filled parking lot to revive his frozen flesh. “Who cares, lets just go. I’m freezing!” he trails. And I couldn’t agree more, because the moms are getting vocal again…one starts to tell all who will listen about her 8th grader making a like a 10,000 on her SATs…
“Kids get in the car it’s getting deep in here.”
The Results
So, how did they do?
Well, first let me qualify… That’s none of your (or the government’s) business. Our scores are reported to no one but us and those we choose to brag too.
They did awesome! I’m going to buy myself something nice as soon as I get my bonus. Oh wait…
Well anyway, notice how back there I said, “our scores?” That was a total Freudian slip, because I consider their scores a direct reflection of my effort in proportion to their abilities. Homeschooling is a family affair. Literally. My husband and I do take responsibility for their shortcomings.
And I take responsibility for the fact that all 3 tested well above grade level in Math. Thank you, Jesus and Saxon Math. (I won’t tell you which curriculum is best in THIS post.)
Turns out we’re doing this homeschool thing well enough to hold our own with the nerds in private schools across the nation, according to the comparison numbers on the printout.
Is that the goal? Well not precisely.
The Goal of Homeschool Assessment Testing
Earlier I said that homeschool assessment testing is about checking my ability to teach, “in proportion to their abilities.” For those itching to disagree with my need to test them in comparison against the masses, know that the results show me where my educational super powers my kids academic strengths lie. And also where I have been ignoring the need for force we could use some extra work.
And because I do what I want as headmistress of this school.
When my kids step outside this house they will be competing against the washed and unwashed masses for college placements, jobs, parking spots, etc. I would like to give them a heads up on where they stand within the crowd.
Testing every other year is my way of giving them incremental doses of reality to show them how close or far away their hopes and dreams are, and what it is going to take to reach them.
Also, I’ve taken the SAT. Twice. A graduate school admission test. The physician assistant board exam. And two renewals. Defensive driving. Twice in one year. No, I don’t want to talk about it. And I can’t imagine walking into any of these testing situations without a little experience with a bubble sheet and a cold sweat under florescent lighting.
Should All Homeschoolers Test?
If you’ve read this nonsense this far you might be rolling your eyes at me wondering if you should be doing homeschool assessment testing too? Where am I going with this whole thing? I will tell you this…
I have no idea.
I struggle between bucking the system and teaching my kids to play the game and fantasizing about gaming the system. So, I’m not telling you to test or not to test. Cause someone will get their panties in a wad either way.
Get the handbook: “Socialize Like a Homeschooler!”
The older I get, and the longer I homeschool, the more I realize there is more than one way to ruin a child. I have no idea what you should be doing in your homeschool, because I don’t know who you are raising and what kind of car they hope to drive someday. You have to decide what experiences and skills are best for each child’s plan.
For example, Lil D hates 2-step math problems and wants to drive a Lamborghini someday, so we have him in martial arts and are teaching him to crack safes and charm old rich ladies.
To Test or Not to Test
Well, that is your question…
If you are concerned that your kids need to be exposed to how standardized tests work, maybe at least print out a scantron and let them practice bubbling with a no. 2 pencil. It can double as an art project if they get creative. Or a hand strengthening exercise if you time them.
If you are curious where they stand academically, go ahead and find a homeschool friendly testing facility that will report your kid’s scores only to you. Let them know that the results do not define them and really don’t matter at all. The scores are like a current weather report, and the weather can change.
Then bribe them with a week off of school and the WiFi code for giving it their best in your honor. Use the results to improve your approach to homeschool and help your kids decide their ambitions and goals.
And don’t chew your nails off, mom. Enjoy the few hours of a break. And hey, maybe you’ll get an oragami hat or flower out of the deal too.
