I suppose I should start with a disclaimer for the people itching to tell me how hateful I am for smearing the life of homeschoolers. So here you go:
Okay, so now that we got that out of the way, lets get real. There are thousands of posts that tout the glories of homeschooling. I could go on for days about why it is the best decision we made for our kid’s education. And thanks to social media and mom’s good editing skills, many of us can create the illusion of perfection.
But it is definitely an illusion. And don’t even try to tell me it’s not, because that would make you a liar. And then what kind of an example are you setting in your own homeschool? Not a very perfect one. It may only be that you hate the cheap pencil sharpener that you settled for, or how the new globe is slightly off its axis, but you hate something about homeschooling, so fess up.
10 Things I Hate About Homeschooling:
1. Being the cafeteria lady. Which is kind of ironic, because the first thing my kids always say is their favorite thing about homeschooling is the food. Three meals a day, plus snacks, seven days a week gets old real fast.
And I don’t mean the money it takes to feed 3 growing athletic boys with a hollow leg each. I hate grocery shopping. And yes, the bill could rival the national debt by the time I’ve gotten them to the chest hair phase. But even if your kid goes to school you have to buy or pack the lunch, right?
What I hate is the actual prep and clean-up, not once, not twice, but thrice a day. I’ve got minds to mold and rulers to crack! This feeding gig gets in the way. We stock up on breakfast and lunch foods they can easily nuke for themselves. Figure in condiments for those frozen burgers, tacos, sandwiches, and explosive leftovers in the microwave, and then I get to play drill seargent to get it all cleaned up in time to finish history before we leave for swim practice.
And it is always fun to teach cooking at dinner time to impatient, not so careful tweens. Except when it’s not. And you just want a glass of wine and half the loaf of French bread you’re buttering while you peruse Facebook and stir the powdered cheese into the macaroni.
2. Being the heavy. All those cute jokes about making out with the principal and getting away with it are hilarious. But around here, being principal is on par with being the Queen of England. A feared and respected position with little discernible immediate authority or job requirements (except to pretend to be ready to inflict severe consequences from an undisclosed location. i.e. at work).
Consequences can’t wait till after evening rush hour if we’re doing math right now, and D3 says he just ain’t doing math and hides under his desk. There is no teacher the children and I can bond in contempt of for assigning the work they must complete before computer time.
Yep, that’d be me, Cruela D’Mom. Enforcer of all things deemed unnecessary and inhuman, like grammar, flash cards, reading time, capitalizing every sentence, acceptable handwriting, don’t spit on your brother, throwing away a goldfish wrapper, getting dressed for practice, and flushing the toilet every time you use it.
3. Reading about how awesome the curriculum is that I’m NOT using. If you’ve never shopped for curriculum piece by piece then you’ve probably never covered your eyes and played “any-many-miney-mo” with the computer screen. We homeschool eclectically. I’m a control freak who can’t make up her mind.
There are pros and cons to classical education, literature vs. textbook reading, Saxon vs. Singapore, religious vs. secular, cursive vs. print, crunchy vs. smooth, peddling oils vs. make-up etc. Every summer for 3 years I have lay awake for hours, for nights on end reading reviews, watching ads, researching to find the golden ticket medley of courses to guarantee future college scholarships. And when I finally lay the money on the table and commit to the dealer, I cringe with doubt as the tabloids of success roll in for the programs I turned down or never knew about.
Did I win or lose this hand!?
4. Feeling that every decision I make as cruise director could sink their ships in the future. It’s not just the right curriculum. Should we school year-round? How many extracurricular activities are too many?
Does each child need music, sports, and a fun hobby on top of academics? If we skip the review on adjectives did we write off a chance at the New York Times Best Seller List? Should they go to regular high school?
Will they fit in or stand out? What if they don’t stand out!? What if I forget to teach them something essential and they get to college not knowing how to use a combination lock? Should I go buy 3 combination locks?
What if they are too gentlemanly and mistaken as sexist by today’s young woman? If we don’t visit Disney World often enough (or ever) will they never learn to wait in line like good citizens?
5. Needing to be left alone while simultaneously feeling lonely. It is possible to be having your ear talked off by multiple people at once and feel like you are on a deserted island and no one cares if you get hit on the head with another Minecraft coconut.
Hiding on the toilet with a book is almost as good as a trip to Target for nothing in particular without kids. (My jury is still out on how I will react to my favorite place to shop’s recent potty decision. We’re not out of household cleaners and Zen trail mix just yet. *update: Ugh. Make it stop.)
If I’m having a particularly hard day of whiny children and goals not met but rather hurled out the window, who would care to hear about it? Even the dog runs and hides on those days.
And homeschool moms are strong and independent and must keep up appearances at all times so that one special friend or relative can’t jump at the chance to tell them they could see this coming and that it’s okay they failed. Am I supposed to have time for real, 3D, non-internet based friends?
6. The pay sucks. And so do the taxes. We knew this going in, but didn’t fully appreciate it until really looking at what we spend on educating our boys at home to the best of our abilities.
The amount of money we are paying to help educate everyone else’s kids far surpasses what we are able to spend on our own. No tax breaks for homeschool families.
It is sad that I can write off a set of beer mugs we donated to goodwill during a move to a new town, but I can’t write off $600 worth of textbooks and supplies which are used by someone working for free to educate kids not utilizing public services and therefore freeing up extra tax dollars for other children’s public school education. (inhales loudly and angrily!)
7. The excitement I expect is rarely met. Let me just say that doing all of elementary school for the second time has been a blast. And to think, I once despised being forced to learn multiplication and write how-to-make a PB&J essay for someone to comically follow verbatim!?
How fun is this?! Hahaa! What was I thinking? Now I’m all “Woohoo! Let’s do this!!” jumping around on too much coffee and enthusiasm and waiting for the boys to explode with joy as I outline how they’re going to each research and then present one of the 3 branches of government!!!
Wuh whaah. Charlie Brown enters with, ow, I got the legislative branch, they don’t do anything. And the wind is knocked out of my sails. Not all of the time though. I did orchestrate the burning of London to a wild applause.
It’s understandable for the age difference. We get excited about different things. I’m looking into the topic from the opposite direction with experienced perspective. I want so bad for them to see with my eyes. And I won’t quit trying. Like a cheerleader trying to rouse the crowd while the players cry on the bench, 4th quarter, 36-0.
8. Being called a stay-at-home-mom. Did you just refer to me as a SAHM? Wench, I am the Matriarchal Academic Ninja! That makes me the M-A-N!
It really shouldn’t bother me, and most of the time it doesn’t, cause I know people who admittedly go to work to get out of the task of SAHM. But homeschool moms are SAHM 10.0s, the souped-up version with antivirus software because we work even with a Kleenex stuffed up both nostrils and low grade fever.
9. Telemarketers, wrong numbers… right numbers at the wrong time, UPS, Fed-Ex., meter readers, mailmen, handymen, soliciters, door-to-door salesmen, Jehovah’s Witnesses or anyone with a pamphlet I didn’t ask to read, people who say they will be here sometime between 8am-5pm, do-gooders who kidnap my “obviously” lost dog from our street and call me to come get him across town, people I love dearly, and anyone else that shows up when I’m minutes away from finishing an important lesson and thus make me envision stabbing them with my red grading pen.
10. Not knowing if anything I’m doing is working… until they are gainfully employed, independent, upstanding men, husbands and fathers.
Okay so, obviously some of what I’m doing is working. They can perform a multitude of tasks on or above grade level. But the deep seeded reason for homeschooling is to instill stalwart moral character and create productive members of society.
Whether they become fry cooks or surgeons, engineers or repairmen, plumbers or senators I want them to be genuine, strong, Godly men. All I can do is point them in the right direction, arm them with knowledge and pray for the strength to see them through, and realize they must do the rest on their own.
Oh my goodness, I absolutely LOVE this!!!! First off, if someone doesn’t get your humor, they are just severely numb in the humor department. DUH.
Anyway, everything you said is so true!
But, because you asked, I will add….
dragging teens out of bed! It has happened with both of my boys, around 15 years old or so and it’s the thing that makes me want to run screaming out into the woods and hide until they get married.
As an admitted control freak too, I want everyone up and ready to go and do everything I say, in the order I tell you to. Yeah, that hasn’t happened since forever (or when they were at least 13).
I’m sick of dragging people around and I want my son to happily jump out of bed at the ripe hour of sunrise, meet me at the table with his freshly (free range) eggs (that he cooked himself) and his Bible and research paper he wrote in his sleep and play classical music while we finish all his work in just under two hours, while wearing a tie or something. You know, like all the “good” homeschooling families do!
And, the fact that my house is in a perpetual state of “not quite clean” because there are always people here!!
But, other than that…..homeschooling rocks! (and I really mean that) 🙂
My husband has been looking forward to the chance to drag teens out of bed since the twins were infants. They are still insomniacs, up with the sun no matter how late they go to bed. He dreams of banging pots, yelling at the tv, and flicking light switches on to ask “Are you awake?” Butlike you said, I can see where our problem could flip and I actually have to live his dream ever morning indefinitely.
This is fantastic! Your humor is refreshing and spot on. I think you nailed this post!
Thank you! Just keeping in real… LOL!
You are hilarious! And your remarks are so very true about homeschool moms…
What fun! Love your humor. I’ve graduated from the homeschooling since my last one finished four years ago. Every moment I spent teaching, making meals (yes, I understand the three meals a day thing.), and cleaning up messes now seems worth it all! Our children are not rocket scientists, but we love the people they have become. I wish the same for you.
I got quite a laugh out of these this morning. So many true statements! I hate it when people think that we can volunteer for every opportunity that comes around because we obviously don’t do anything all day long when we are at home.
Haha! Because we clearly have no job. None at all. (Insert eye roll here).
Amazing!!!! Love, love, love this! #6, 9, and 10 are definitely high on my list of dislikes as well. Love your humor! Thanks for giving me a much needed laugh. 🙂
Absolutely DEAD ON! I HATE being the cafeteria lady – where is the pizza rectangle and fries for a few bucks? *sigh
Love, love, love this! It is so on point! Numbers 6 and 7 are my favorites.
Love this!! So needed the laugh and reinforcement that we are doing Godly work.
Did your boys make the drawings at the top of the post?? Did you have directions on how to do it? My kids would love it … but this mama needs directions.
I too hate lunches and snacks. And I also hate having to be the person who gets things started. If I get up late due to working the night before why haven’t they had breakfast and done their morning chores without me? I feel like my life is ground hog day.
Ugh, yes. They know the routine, but they like to wait for me to hit start or yell or something!?
I love this post!! Thank you so much for keeping it real. I can relate to ALL of these! It’s nice to know I’m not alone.
I love these! Most of the time I feel like you have been in my head.
So what are your thoughts on homeschooling during high school years?
Well, my thoughts as of right now are: Here goes nothing! My twins, while technically new 8th graders, are already doing high school level courses. Some things are easier and there are new struggles. Like attitudes. Maybe I should start a new list of “10 Things I Hate About Homeschooling High School.”?
Absolutely priceless! True truth wrapped in a cloak of humor. This rocks and so do you!
I don’t even know how to tell you how much I enjoyed this post. So true! So real! So funny!
just found you via Simple Homeschool blog…..you are freakin’ awesome! thank you for putting my thoughts into much funnier words!!!
Yaya!! I love that you found me. I just told my son I’m officially freaking awesome. Thanks Stick around, okay?
I just found you via Pam Barnhil’s site and I am so glad I did. You just had me in stitches from start to finish because you captured my life!! We must have the same dog too. Tears were literally rolling down my face because our dog hides under the table when I’m demonstrative having a bad day. A few days ago I received a frustrated text from my sweet neighbor because our dog was “lover-izing” them in their own yard. I think I may have found a new favorite blog.
Awesome! Messages like these make my day. I’m so glad you found me. Thank you! And yes, my dog, ugh. I love him, but… There’s always a “but”.
I have to know – is that mug real?! And if it is, where can I get one?!
#10 is so, so, so true!!! But then I think so is the whole parenting gig. Thanks for the honesty and laughs.
Thank you, thank you, thank you! Yes to all of these! It makes me feel so good to know it is not just me! Especially #9, I thought I was crazy that something as little as a package arriving can throw us off
Yes!! #9 made me laugh because I definitely thought I was alone in our entire day being thrown for a loop from one ill-timed package or phone call. The struggle is real
And not only do we continue working when mom doesn’t feel well, we continue working when kids are sick. I have spent days holding a trash can for one kid while doling out lessons for others.
Yes!! The enforcer is my least favorite job. I thought homeschooling was about sitting on a couch, snuggling, reading books, and bonding. That is it reward at the end of the day, but most of the time it is pulling them out from under the desk.
Throw a 2 year old into the homeschooling mix (kids ages 6, 9 and 11), temper tantrums, sibling rivalry and a senior dog that people seem to think it’s ok to let out in her diaper so she can poop in it OUTSIDE. Let me go empty the nuggets while trying to talk about how cool Machu Pichu is. Lordy lordy….
Thank you so much for your blog! I feel so much less alone in the reality of homeschooling — almost every point you made was hilarious and 100% true (for me)! The curriculum wars in my head….they come around about every 2-3 months or so. I try to quell the fear, but they rise up like the Loch Ness monster. Maybe someday I was trust “good enough”.
Love your posts!
Not only was this a much needed laugh but also a hug of solidarity! Oy with dragging the 6’2” males out of bed every morning and being the cafeteria lady and principal all rolled into one!! Nice to know I’m not alone!
I love your honesty. I happen to love all the things except being the only chef in the house. (This is also the only time I miss having a husband who was, in fact, a chef). I’m also the only homemade counselor on staff for special needs kids, so that’s a thing.
I loved reading this, and relate in almost every way! ❤️