What about prom?
No really, what about it? Do you worry about what your kids are missing by not attending a conventional school?
My husband and I were not homeschooled. 35% of our lives thus far have been spent as students in public school, on different coastlines and with different cafeteria ladies. Our school experiences greatly shaped us both and shaped us very differently.
School is not a holding tank to prepare for life, though many see it as such. Our lives were ticking by whilst we sat within those walls. And so it is no wonder that we parents who attended school, year after year, have a hard time letting go of what we were taught must be experienced to have a fulfilling life.
While pondering the notion to homeschool, we worried about silly rights of passage like:
- Prom
- Learning to use a locker, a lunch card, and a well-timed sneeze to pop a piece of gum
- Getting bullied and living through it
- Requesting permission to pee, sir!
- Making friends/acquaintances to socialize with and increase their numbers on social media later in life
- Self-discipline and responsibility without mom around to find their (insert lost item).
- Learning to dress, walk, talk and swagger like the cool
sheepkids
Really, was there anything better than that first day in college where you suddenly realized you could get up from your chair in the lecture hall and head to the restroom without having to ask permission? For a minute you may have had to think hard to get those muscles to relax. Possibly you had to visualize a hall pass, or contemplate running back to get the professor to nod in your direction.
But wow! Could you have appreciated that moment quite so well had you been homeschooled? (**This is a sarcastic exaggeration meant for humor and not to undermine the detrusor muscle functionality of conventionally schooled individuals such as myself. So laugh or move on.)
What Are Homeschooled Kids Missing
Recently, I dared to think about homeschooling more than one year at a time. (Gasp!) Now that we are on the brink of a twin teenage apocalypse, I have started to think that, yes, I can probably brave the gauntlet that is homeschooling high school.
And since there were no homeschool critics around at that moment to ask dumb questions like, “How will they learn to get up early and follow a schedule?,” I really allowed myself to ponder the question:
If I were homeschooled, what would I have missed out on?
I wanted to list what would have really been missed if I had not gone to school; other than the obvious, leaving home five days a week for 8-12 hours/day and enjoying those rectangular slices of cardboard pizza.
Because, if I am going to commit to homeschooling until college-do-us-part, I owe it to my boys to fully understand what I’m asking them to give up.
So, I went to the peanut gallery asked my readers on Facebook to answer this question as well in order to gain some cumulative thought (as is common amongst us publicly schooled folks to do to ensure proper crowd approval). There were positive and negative responses. Clearly we all had individual interpretations of our experiences in school.
And strangely, it seems we tend to mostly focus on what we would have missed in high school rather than the elementary and middle school years. Perhaps because it is the freshest in our minds? The most influential? But those early years sure can set a child’s mood about learning and life.
The Early Years
Looking back on my early school years, if I were homeschooled I would have missed:
- being paddled in front of my entire kindergarten class for doing cartwheels in the back of the classroom.
- the happiness that accompanied the TV cart as it was wheeled into a classroom on a random Tuesday morning
- being frozen in horror and writhing internally to get home to my family when the excitement of a shuttle launch went terribly wrong and exploded in front of my 7-year-old eyes.
- being scared of my 1st grade teacher to the point of an anxiety related illness, even after being reassured that she wasn’t yelling at me and the principal did not actually have an electric paddle
- feeling overwhelmed with joy when my mother was actually at my school, and fighting back tears when she left
Some of the things other parents said they would have missed were:
- all of their childhood friends
- being bullied for being different, poor, or for no reason whatsoever
- their favorite loving teachers
- the loss of recess by 5th grade
- class parties
- being teased for carrying a brown bag lunch
- learning to hate math because everyone else did
- getting up terribly early to catch a bus
- riding the bus and learning way more info (good & bad, but mostly bad) than they learned in school some days
- awards ceremonies
- assemblies, field days, field trips and talent shows
- being hungry all afternoon
- feeling like part of a team on spirit days
- hours upon hours of wasted time
There were good and bad experiences to be missed by being homeschooled in early elementary. These were the memories and encounters that laid the ground work for how we would come to view education and our place in the world long before we got to high school.
Funny, no one mentioned much about what they learned, or any memorable projects or achievements. It was more experiences wrought with emotions and feelings. I know if I had not had to contend with those feelings and my ever growing shyness, I may have enjoyed learning then as much as I do now.
High School
Because most of us have absolutely no desire to revisit our middle school years no one specifically responded about missing anything from middle school we shall press on to high school.
So what did everyone say they would have missed not going to high school?
You know what? Not one person said prom. After all the times we homeschoolers have been asked how we could possible negate such a life altering night of stuffy cheap suits and glitzy-girdled fun, it ranked nowhere in the list of things to be missed.
Here is what readers said they would have missed:
- lifelong friends
- forced association
- sports
- being bullied nonstop with no help from school authorities
- Friday night team spirit
- getting pregnant
- always trying to be someone they’re not just to fit in
- getting out of the house
- so many wasted hours
- academic recognition/awards
- stolen property
- that one teacher that made all the difference
- not enough sleep
- independence from parents
- being questioned about beliefs and morals
- Nothing at all (haha!)
And the #1 thing parents said they would have missed was…
Being in the Band.
Seriously, every other comment mentioned band or something to do with it. And it got me thinking. What was it about being in the band that left such a happy mark on so many people’s high school experience? Almost all of the other comments that didn’t include band, were a negative memory.
As I reread the comments I looked for clues from those that had elaborated on their answer. Words like trips, like-minded friends, excitement, camp, meaningful, competition, fun, and family were there. All the things one might include if they were describing not being at school, but rather doing what they loved with the people they loved. And it made all the difference in their high school careers.
Basically, they had found a home away from home. A band family. With many of the attributes of a homeschool family, plus a brass section.
Turning The Question Around
Now that homeschooling is growing, prom really is a nonissue. There are many homeschool groups across the country offering homeschool end-of-the-year formal events.
On top of that, there are an array of sports organizations, academic groups, 4-H clubs, homeschool bands, social meet-ups, volunteer efforts, art lessons, dual credit programs, and an assortment of lets-just-hangout-and-be-weird-together clubs specifically for the homeschool crowd, and others willing to include homeschoolers.
These homeschool activities may not be packaged conveniently under one roof and funded by tax payer dollars, but their existence allows homeschoolers to experience the best of both worlds.
Homeschooled teens can make lifelong, like-minded friends, play sports, sing in a choir, play in a band, avoid bullies and questionable influences, get enough sleep, take trips with family on their own schedule, all while tackling math in their pajamas from the comfort of home. And because their activities are interest driven, they can use these precious years to decide who they truly are and what they want to become.
And so homeschooling in 2017 begs a new question:
What would today’s homeschooled kids miss out on if they had to go to school?
And I believe the answer is…their life. A life not pre-molded by expected high school rights of passage, but of individual interests and ambitions. A chance to seek their own path.
Need a laugh? Check out my new book:
“Socialize Like a Homeschooler”!
Thank you for this! I really needed to see and hear it all. This will be my 3rd year of homeschooling my 12yr. old daughter. My oldest is now 25, went through “school”til achieving a Masters’Degree. My son is a sophomore in college. I worried about all those things. Now, I don’t feel as if it was just my own conditioning to the “norm”. It really is a wonderful experience to homeschool. The freedom is beyond belief.
I have 10 year old twins I 5thgrade that I am considering homeschooling. Their biggest concern is that they would “lose their friends.” Did you encounter this concern and, if so, how did you handle it?
Yes, we did run into this issue. We have since moved which helped find new homeschool friends from the start. But most of the friends they lost contact with were because we as parents were no longer on the same wave length, sadly.
There is a certain amount of insecurity others will feel about your decision to homeschool as a knock at their decision not too. No rude comments, just a slow pull away. Started with no invites to birthday parties.
But we made new friends who understood us and had more in common with our boys. We also held onto friends who we have to work to see because we are busy in different lifestyles. But real friends make it happen.
This was a concern for my oldest, too. Truth be told losing those “friendships” was the best thing for her. She made new friends, real friends, friends that come spend a week at a time at our house (& vice versa). She is finally and truly fully accepted for who she is, what she likes, how she dresses, the music she listens to. I also think it’s taught her more about being herself. She did make a friend her first year of homeschool and when that friend started talking down to her or making fun of her she said “bye”. She could let it go because she wasn’t forced to see her every day or made to walk the same halls and just deal with it. Her friendships in school weren’t real. They were convenient and easy because hey they were all that was available. Now she’s friends with all ages and types of people.
Yes!
I might add that they would miss out on having schoolmates try to convince you to try drugs because, “Everyone else is doing it.”
Or the bicycle that was stolen by someone ON CAMPUS, because I didn’t know how to lock it correctly.
Or the early mornings getting to school. I had to leave the house at 6am, and I actually did walk 3 miles but only half was uphill.
Drawbacks to Homeschooling
1. No snow days
2. You can’t miss the bus
3. You can’t be suspended and sent home
4. You can’t hide the vegetables you don’t like in a milk carton
5. Mom always sides with the teacher
6. Dad always sides with the principal
7. You can’t intercept your report card and “fix” it before your parents see it
8. You can’t transfer to another school
9. The nightmare of showing up at school in your pajamas is a daily reality
10. The good-looking boy/girl in the desk next to you is your brother/sister (gross!)
Benefits of Homeschooling
1. The teacher never threatens to tell your mom
2. Your parents never get called in for a “conference”
3. You can’t be expelled
4. You don’t care what your classmates think of you
5. You don’t have to worry about forgetting your lunch/lunch money
6. You don’t have to change clothes after school
7. You don’t have to sell raffle tickets, cookies, or chocolate bars
8. The dog is always nearby and ready to eat your homework
9. If the teacher grades on the curve, you’re guaranteed an A
10. Unless you have a twin, you’re bound to be the valedictorian
Ha, ha, Bob! I thought I was the only one stuffing creamed spinach in my empty milk carton (under a couple of napkins if mean ol’ Mrs. Brickman ever checked).
I actually did suspend one of my boys for a day. He was my stubborn “do it my way and when I want” kid and I was a tired mom with preschoolers pushing my buttons. I typed up and printed a “suspension slip”, made him sign it and give it to his dad when he got home. He was also not allowed to complete his work, but had to sit at the table the rest of our school time that day. I only had to do it once. He BEGGED me to let him do his work that day and it was a long time before he was a problem again. lol
Val! That is an awesome bidea! Lol I’ll have to keep that tucked away in my arsenal!
Not to mention, KNOWING how to use a hand-turned can opener, instead of needing a lecture, IN COLLEGE, mind you, on HOW to do it. Goodness forbid the many lessons on “adulting” that you learn under parents that make you do it–wait, there’s more to meals than RAMEN, who knew. Oh no, the pop-top lid ring broke, how am I going to eat now?
“UGG, Mom, I have to do my own laundry, again. I did it right the first time.”
“This is not a test, Buddy, this is life.”
The first two years, yes, were hard, but now after homeschooling my children, age 14 and 16 for six years now, I wouldn’t change it for the world! Now all of the many life lessons, charged with some of the most amazing groups–yes, I said GROUPS–of friends have now turned into group learning with all different types of personalities and races and ethnicities, teamwork, and they know every life means something and has a purpose. They choose to help, are not forced into it and my favorite part–I ask, they do, and sometimes I don’t even have to ask. They see something that needs to be done and they do it. There is never a question of ‘what’s in it for me,’ because they know we work together as a family.
We had snow days! Those were for socializing.
We had “sun” days for every one of the “snow” days public schools were closed. The kids got to choose when a “sun” day would be use, but they had to agree on the day and the activity. Many “sun” days were used seeing movies, going to the zoo, or just having a lazy day. It’s one of our homeschooling “things” the kids remember most!
Love it! Great list!
I might add to the drawbacks:
11. Sibling conflict resolution is a major subject every year.
Fabulous! I’m sharing these with my two homeschooled high schoolers. I think they’ll enjoy them as much as me!
Yeah!
I absolutely love this post. I am completely brand new to the homeschooling world. As my little one is only 3yrs and another that is 8months. But I plan on homeschooling both, ans have begun my research on curriculum and state regulations and I have your entire webpage as a homescreen app on my phone. LOVE everything.
Oh my goodness. Incredible post, Jennifer! You’ve got me tearing up over here. “A life not pre-molded by expected high school rights of passage, but of individual interests and ambitions. A chance to seek their own path.” Wow!!! Love it!
I don’t think they are missing out on things I actually think they are getting more out of school by being Homeschooled. As they can learn what they want and take as long as they need to to learn those things. Have a great day and I wish you a Blessed week.
Awesome post! Not being in band is the one thing that concerns me in regards to my son – he is wonderful pianist but I keep thinking if he had the opportunity to take part in band, he’d explore other instruments ….
You could inquire if a drama group, choir or even JAZZ band is looking for accompanist?
That’s so funny about band! It’s the only thing that made high school bearable and the only thing I’m sad for my kids to miss. They are in a homeschool band, though, and they’re pretty good.
As a homeschool grad I can honestly say that the only thing I feel like I missed out on was lifelong friends, but the reality is we’d probably grown apart because of lifestyle choices, etc. I’m enjoying homeschooling my own children now and I don’t feel like they’re missing out on anything!
Oh, this post brought back so many memories.When I was in 3rd grade, my teacher was so mean that I used to pretend that I was sick at least once a week so I could get sent home early. I missed over 30 days of school. That same year I was tested for the gifted program. I passed but my parents were told that I wouldn’t do well because I always missed so much school. They put me in the program anyway. I was transferred to another school and was, thankfully, put in the class of a kindly old man who was also a Sunday School teacher. I flourished. It makes me sad that so many kids have to deal with teachers like my 3rd grade teacher, and they don’t have a way out. That’s something I am so glad my kids have missed out on.
I absolutely love this! So often people ask me,”Oh, how long are you going to homeschool him?” Like I couldn’t possibly relegate myself to the constant drudgery of being with my child throughout his middle/teenage years. As if my desire and belief that my child is an individual who deserves unique opportunities and deep conversations about random topics over late morning pancakes is crazy !*deep breath*
I can’t imagine not soaking it all up with him.
Thank you for this wonderful post. I tip my hat to the Hifalutin Homeschooler AKA Homeschool Hero
Thank you! I needed this fun encouragement!
Thank you so much! I really needed this post. This year will be my first year to homeschool two boys, 2nd and 1st graders. I worried about everything you wrote about, but I honestly can’t wait to watch them be able to learn more of what they want to learn and spend the time getting to really know who my boys become.
I am so thankful that my 4 boys do not have to know the pain of being bullied. Thanks for the laugh!
I love this! My oldest just graduated from homeschooling. She has thanked me over and over for the fact that she never had to go to school. She’s admitted that there are some things she’s missed- having a locker was a big one :-)- but she also realizes the benefits she had in staying at home.
I homeschooled my 4 kids and the best thing out of it is the closeness they have to one another. After that, I think the memories of the fun together and the learning in a way that they felt most comfortable was good. My oldest, 22, is working in a bee lab in Ontario this month for Kwantlen. My 20 year old lives on his own, my 17 year old daughter has a clean room, does her own laundry, cooks her own meals, manages bills and is saving for a car. My youngest who is now 13 is a darling. I am proud of my children. None are perfect and face issues others in peer groups face, but they seem able to manage with a heart of care for others and character values I am proud of. It’s a lot to say of kids today. I am glad of homeschooling, no matter the struggle, judgements and nay-Sayers. Blessings to all who take it on!!
Or… you can join an awesome homeschool co-op that allows your children to:
1) Buy hot lunch
2) Join band
3) Go to prom
4) Get a locker
5) Have a moderate amount of peer pressure (Please mom, can we get the Settlers of Catan Expansion pack? Everyone at co-op has it…)
6) Learn to get ready for co-op each week, including assignments.
Yes, there are things my kids miss out on by being homeschooled, but I was a public school kid who wanted nothing more than to be homeschooled. I know exactly what they are missing out on, and it hasn’t prohibited me from wanting homeschooling for my children.
Oh such a good post. Seriously… I am reminded of what I learned in High School… not from teachers. But, from boys who were not taught how to respect girls. And, naive, me… didn’t understand, or know what to do about it.
Thank you for this post! It only confirms what my heart keeps wanting me to do for them. I have homeschooled my oldest for a year and a half now. We’ve learned so much together! Now this next year, I will be homeschooling both of them! I know it will be life changing!
Thank you for this! We are on the brink of our first child starting her freshman year at home. I had doubts this summer about her missing out on things at school. I even had a conversation about it with her. I mentioned Friday night football games (to which she replied, “I don’t even like football.”). This article was a nice affirmation that what we are doing is the best for our family and it’s ok. Thanks from a homeschool mom of 3.
I’m a homeschool graduate myself, currently homeschooling my own four littles, and I couldn’t imagine it any other way!
Band was the best part about high school. A distant second was chemistry class with Bunsen burners.
I was hoping to see that band was the thing most folks enjoyed about high school. I started band in grade school (back when they had band in elementary), and band helped me survive middle school. I loved band because of the friends, trips, etc., but mostly I loved it because it got me out of so much of the “regular school” activities. Being jumped and beat up on a regular basis from 1st – 3rd grade because I was different…I could have taken a pass on that. The peer pressure and judgement of middle school was awful. Having a guy in my world history class snorting lines of cocaine off his desk was something I would have gladly missed during high school. Band was my escape from the rest of school. If I could recreate a good band environment for my son (marching band, jazz band, pit orchestra, etc.), I would sign him up in a heartbeat. For now, he takes piano lessons and is enjoying being homeschooled where he never gets beat up, he can always be himself, and certainly no one is doing drugs on the desk.
My kids both asked to be homeschooled – my son started in 2nd grade, my daughter in 7th. They both realize the benefits, including but not limited to going places when everyone else is in school. On tough days, going back to a traditional school is a threat. I hope they never figure out its an empty one. I love spending all day with them, and I didn’t realize until I started teaching them how little I actually knew them!
I just discovered your blog via a share on Facebook, and our starting-homeschool story sounds eerily familiar to yours. It was a hard decision, but that was 6 years ago and we’ve never, ever looked back. I have two teenaged, high schoolers now (you can do it!) and I can honestly say that homeschooling was one of the best parenting decisions of our lives. And our children have greatly benefitted. Love your humor, wit and spunk! Happy to have found such an enriching, encouraging website.
Thank you, and I’m so glad you found me too! It is encouraging to hear from moms who have been successful in high school, since we are headed there quite quickly. It has been an exhausting journey so far, but somehow the energy renews itself every year. Definitely the best parenting decision we have made thus far.
Love it! I WAS homeschooled as a kid … the whole way though! Back when we all wore denim, skated at the skating rink to NO music because we couldn’t agree on which hymns to play, and co-ops weren’t a thing. Sure, as a 15 year old, I was lamenting about public high school. As an adult, I couldn’t care less! My mom, a high school graduate, gave me an amazing education! I had a ton of friends and learned how to LOVE learning and how to learn on my own.
I now homeschool my kiddos. We live in Texas, one of the most homeschool friendly states. My kids are allowed to do extra curricular activities with the public schools and some private schools, there are co-ops out the wazoo and you can’t throw a rock without hitting another homeschool family. I hope my kids will grow up seeing the unique opportunities they are being given and not want to be colored with the same color crayon as their piers. When we’re at home having a “snow day”, watching movies and drinking cocoa on a beautiful 70 degree Texas December day while all their friends are in school (no lie, the schools here didn’t have one snow day last year! lol) the “cons” don’t really seem like cons anymore. 🙂 Keep it up, sister!
Honestly the thing that comes to my mind is in public school I experienced so much sexual harrasment. From late elementary until graduation, and the sad thing is I thought it was normal. I never even considered telling a teacher, and I believe if I would have it wouldn’t have made a difference.
Thank you for this. My son and I are having this conversation right now. We started in public school, started homeschooling in 4th/1st grade (son and daughter). I want to keep homeschooling, but with graduation ceremonies recently, my son said he wants to go back to school in 7th grade for “the experience.” (Little does he know what we know, right?). He wants a graduation ceremony. Again, this blog will help continue this conversation. (Plus…I am the mom, right!?)
Enjoy your summer!
E
(You and I had a conversation on the curvy couch at the homeschool convention in Cincinnati- Corey thought people-watching was weird.)
My 15 year old daughter and I talked about graduation ceremonies this spring. In our area (south central Indiana) she can participate in 3 or 4 homeschool graduations! Our state has one, our co-op has one and our local homeschool group has one. Maybe there are similar things in your area. Or will be by the time he is a senior.
I 100% support homeschooling and educational choice in general, but I want to say, I don’t believe public school is completely terrible. It’s a great option for some. I also don’t think I’m doing my child a disservice or not letting them have a life by being in public school.
I grew up in public school and was fine. I teach in the same public school as my kids, so I’m always there with them.
In my opinion, it’s each parents own choice what is best for their child. And one is not better or worse than the other.
Facebook just suggested this for me to read. Glad I did, appreciated the laugh!